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One week later

Oh, internet…words can’t express how grateful I am. I felt so very alone and so very…BAD. I think if someone had asked me Are you the only mother you know who has smacked her child? I would have said uh, no, but that’s very different from having individual people whom I know to be GOOD, both at parenting and in general, share their stories or their fears. Thank you. I was able to tell my spouse. I was afraid he’d whisk the children away to an undisclosed location to keep them safe from me, but he was like, aww, I’m sorry. I’ve come close many times. I think that under-reaction might actually have been upsetting, too–except that you guys understood that I was seriously upset about the whole thing.

Anyway, thanks to your kind words, I was able to let go of the self loathing. Which hasn’t made me suddenly patient. But more vigilant, more sensitive to the signs that things are going sideways and that I need to get out of the room.

I DO think we’re in a tough cultural moment. Many of us had smacking or spanking (my parents spanked) or even hitting modeled for us, and we’re setting ourselves this massive challenge of doing things differently, and it’s so stigmatized that we can’t talk about it, so we don’t know where to turn if it happens… So thank you, thank you, thank you for letting me turn to you.

It’s not all beating on children and hiding in the bathroom, though. Let’s have something soothingly trivial, shall we?

The lovely thing about winter is that it’s grey and depressing all the time.

No, wait, that’s not it. It’s that since I’m not working in the garden, I can catch up on sewing projects. This weekend I finally got around to making aprons for the babies. I followed Mama’s Rule, whereby toddler appreciation is inversely proportional to effort expended, and used up itty bitty pieces of rabbit fabric I’ve had for years, resisting all efforts to get fancy with topstitching and pockets and whatnot.

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After squabbling violently over who got which one, they posed for some pictures.

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Very American Gothic, no?

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And then they got their aprons all dirty trying out a new muffin recipe. The muffins were really complicated, created a shitload of dirty dishes, and tasted quite gross.

14 Comments Post a comment
  1. Awww, awww…the adorbs! I can’t look at it too long!

    Years from now when you think back and ask “Have I been a good parent?” I hope you remember these moments as much as if not more as the moments from last week.

    January 26, 2015
    • SRB #

      Yes! This this this this. Those aprons are just as, if not more, important in the grand scheme of things. Something they can touch to remember all the ways that you love and care for them.

      January 26, 2015
  2. Ana #

    adorbs!

    January 26, 2015
  3. The cuteness. It knocks my socks off. the Buns are SO BIG. And sweet. I miss them (and you).
    So very glad that you feel a whole lot better since you last posted. I’m also glad you felt supported by the comments. I thought your brave post started a very real, very helpful conversation, one I benefited from since I have come very close to hitting my child often.

    January 28, 2015
  4. I won’t ask for the recipe. Gorgeous kids, gorgeous aprons, F*CKING gorgeous kitchen!! Sitting here drooling.

    January 28, 2015
  5. Good to see everyone’s happy, enacting the childhood rite of cake-mix consumption. (Except for your head, of course. I can’t vouch for that.)
    The aprons are really lovely. Speak to me not of the garden, meanwhile, mine is a place of mud and despair.

    January 28, 2015
  6. I’m sure it’s one of the hardest things to forgive yourself and let it go, but it’s so important and necessary to move forward. I’m really glad you’ve been able to do that and you’re feeling better. Your kids are so big, I can’t believe it. So cute!

    January 28, 2015
  7. Thank you as well 😉 I meant the world to me not to walk through it alone.I’m glad Mr. Bunny was supportive. That’s very helpful.

    And those bunny aprons…I love them. I think I should make some baby aprons. I also love your bunny apron. I’m no good at aplique though. I will count them as inspiration.

    The American Gothic thing…totally. Love it.

    January 29, 2015
    • I’m no good at appliqué either–there isn’t any. Do the bunnies look appliqued? It’s just a print. I agree that those boys of yours need aprons, or that etsy store of yours…

      January 29, 2015
      • Yes, the bunnies on your apron *did* appear to be applique from afar, however with glasses on and a zoom I see it’s just a really great print.

        I’m making aprons tonight via your inspiration. 😉

        January 30, 2015
  8. I think you’re doing an amazing job at parenting for someone who has no actual head. Really. It’s remarkable.

    January 30, 2015
    • Sob. Thank you. So few people appreciate how hard it is.

      January 30, 2015
  9. Andie #

    Bunny, I am glad you are feeling better about things. Sends another hug.

    Oh my, I am blinded by the cuteness. Those Buns are adorable and fast growing, too!

    PS. I wasn’t so blinded by cuteness that I missed the Sewaholic Thurlow’s in your sewing room . Have you made them? Were they hard to do? I loves me some Sewaholic patterns. But pants…argh.

    January 31, 2015
  10. kaseypowers #

    I love the aprons. And Mama’s rule. I need to remember that one.

    February 9, 2015

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