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I should have kept the crib

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I have to be honest about my reaction. I know it might seem inappropriate in a place that is, even if rather faintly now, associated with infertility. Believe me, it feels utterly bizarre to go from devastated at the sight of a negative pregnancy test to devastated at the sight of a positive one. I think of my Internet Friends who haven’t got the families they hoped for and I hate the thought of being an ungrateful, selfish asshole in the eyes of people I care about.

But…not as much as I hate the thought of pretending to feel other than what I actually feel.

I am not happy. I was done. I was DONE. I know it might not seem like that much time has passed since I was on the fence about this. But once I got off the fence, a vision of what my life was going to be like developed rapidly, and it got stronger every day.

A sweet little family of four.

Getting some momentum back at work, feeling okay about my career instead of feeling foggy and lifeless.

Giving my old, tired carcass a break.

A summer of cocktails and working in the garden.

Things getting easier. Not harder.

Easier, not harder.

When I think about feeling shitty for the next year, about resetting the someday there will not be toddlers clock, about how much I am struggling with keeping my temper and being compassionate and not HURTING my children, and the sheer number of diapers in my future…I feel despair. I’m sorry, but that’s the label for this chest-constricting, black doom flavored feeling. Today I spent a good part of the day staring at the wall, unable to interact with my sweet, beautiful children because I was awash with despair.

And I feel incredibly stupid. I accidentally got pregnant. A mere three months after I GAVE EVERYTHING BABY-RELATED AWAY.

And of course, I’m well aware that a pregnancy test does not a live baby make, and how great will I feel about voicing these feelings if I miscarry? Super great.

And I’m telling myself how lucky I am–we can afford another child, we have the space and the resources…

Mr. Bunny seems to have already gotten to the Land of Excitement, leaving me all alone in the Land of Bitterness.

Because I love babies, and because I love my babies, I have faith that I will come to see this as the most wonderful thing.

But I am Not. There. Yet.

 

35 Comments Post a comment
  1. You are allowed to feel how you feel. Infertility doesn’t get to take that away from you.

    February 23, 2015
  2. Hugs.
    I hope it doesn’t make you more mad but this post made me laugh. The universe has a strange sense of humor.
    Extra hugs.

    February 23, 2015
  3. SRB #

    Well goddamn, woman. Today was LITERALLY the last day to get on my freebie knitting list and you just slid in under the wire.

    But honestly? I really empathize with how you are feeling right now. In every way that I can read from within and between these lines. Here for you, flesh friend, wherever this takes you. XO

    February 24, 2015
  4. Oh. My. Word.

    Just wishing you well.

    February 24, 2015
  5. And also there’s a crib I don’t know what to do with in my dining room. It needs a good home.

    February 24, 2015
  6. Holy crap!!! I can imagine how you must feel right now (or, perhaps more accurately, I can project) It is probably going to be rough for a while but I honestly believe that it will one day be amazing! You will have the chance to use all the mad skillz that you have developed in these years.

    ps. I have been following along, even though I dropped out of the blog world for a very long time.

    February 24, 2015
    • OMG, OMG you came back! This unplanned pregnancy is totally worth it if it means I get to read your posts again.

      February 24, 2015
  7. Yikes. I am going to respond honestly because you were so honest in your post! I would feel the exact same way. I’m sorry. However, just like you said, you will be happy about it eventually. I am happy for you even though I’m still sorry, too. πŸ™‚ You will get there.

    February 24, 2015
  8. Whoa! This is big news. And I totally understand how you feel. I would feel all those feelings, and more, if I were looking at that pee test. Just writing to say it’s okay for you to feel this way. I get it. I would feel that way too.

    Abiding with you during this complicated, emotional time.

    February 24, 2015
  9. Oak #

    Wow. I will just say it once – I am sorry. Sorry for now as I promise that you will turn the corner on this. You will love this baby every bit as much as bun-bun and bunlet. But I do understand your emotions. And don’t ever think you’re not entitled to those emotions.

    February 24, 2015
  10. Oh shit dude! I’d be in the same headspace. Don’t feel guilty.

    February 24, 2015
  11. Many hugs. However you feel is how you feel and is OKAY, and it’s equally OKAY if those feelings change. And change back. And change again. As I’m guessing they might. It’s all okay. And I think it’ll be okay, no matter what. Ugh, inadequate comments but I’m not sure what else to say except take a deep breath and know many people stand behind you no matter how you feel about what is in front of you. ❀

    February 24, 2015
  12. Delurking to say I know exactly what you mean about being in the land of despair EVEN though Infertility etc. I had mentally adjusted to being one & done and then… Well, let’s just say I wasn’t really *happy* about #2 for all the reasons you listed. So, I hear you & feel for you. It sucks to tell people and have to pretend to be at least a bit happy lest they think you a bad person.

    (My transition to feeling unreservedly happy didn’t come until after she was born & it became obvious that she wasn’t going to be a non-sleeping, colicky baby at around week 8. Now I have crazy thoughts that maybe a 3rd would be ok. But then, no)

    February 24, 2015
  13. Almost fell off my chair, Bunny! My God! Wow. So, Bunter, eh?
    I totally understand how you feel, I would feel the same. I hope you get THERE, over to the Land of Excitement, soon. What you feel is what you feel and you know you can’t change that rationally. Time will fly soon enough. Hugs. Many hugs.

    February 24, 2015
  14. Let me tell you, I know EXACTLY how you feel. (I rarely say that, but I feel it’s justified here.) It took me six months at least, and Dr. S about a day, to get anywhere near happy. And when I’m awake from 3 AM to 10:30 PM without a break, I’m still not there. When I first went in I was kind of hoping it was ectopic so I wouldn’t have to *choose* to continue being pregnant because I DID NOT NOT NOT NOT want to.

    So, I’m sorry. Gaaaaaaaah. How you feel is totally normal. If you end up with a living baby in eight months, of course you’ll love him/her, but for now, hate away.

    (I also felt extra EXTRA stupid by the way. I have a fucking PhD in biochemistry and I got pregnant by ACCIDENT! Who does that? Me apparently.)

    February 24, 2015
    • P.S. We gave away not only the crib, but everything for children under two years. It was great.

      February 24, 2015
  15. Wow. We have been gleefully giving away our baby stuff lately and being excited about being DONE with all things newborn. I can imagine being totally flummoxed by an unexpected pregnancy.
    It sounds awfully lonely to be in the Land of Bitterness while your husband waltzes off to Excitement-land. And I will note that he is not the one who will have to bear the physical discomforts of the next 8 months or so, making it extra unfair.
    Hang in there. Hoping some measure of excitement (or at least peace) is on the horizon. But it seems totally reasonable to not get there for a long time.

    February 24, 2015
  16. Holy moly. I understand how you feel, or think I do. It’s how I would feel at seeing that second line at this point. So very ironic given the past few years. I think there’s also something about having been at the whims of reproductive fate for so long that would make this especially tough…it’s the other side of the coin, in a weird way. No control then…and, wow, a conspicuous lack of control over things now.

    I can’t advise because I haven’t been there. I will bow to the wise-sounding advice of others who have been in this position before, who came around to things and who found joy in the situation. But I don’t think you should feel badly for feeling sucker punched right now.

    Big hugs.

    February 24, 2015
  17. I’m with the rest of the crowd here in the let yourself have these feelings camp. God knows I did. The same ones. Now I look at that 1 year old and know I could not live without him. (And his two pain in the ass brothers whom I love dearly) It’s hard. You’re a great Mom. That’s what really matters. I’ll say it some more even though it’s not what you really want to hear…I’m excited for you. I think you’ll rock this.

    February 24, 2015
  18. Ana #

    Oh wow. I nearly fell out of my chair. Thanks for being honest. While I can’t quite ignore that I’m pretty jealous (I still apparently deep down want a third baby even though I just today made an appointment for a Mirena) I also TOTALLY get what you’re feeling. The longing for the EASIER life. But I know you’ll be amazing.
    I have tons of baby stuff, if you were closer I’d give it all to you.

    February 24, 2015
  19. Totally understand and I’d feel the same way. Thanks for your honesty. Here to support you even if just via random sweary comments.

    February 24, 2015
  20. I will be excited for you until you get there. I’ve never been one to think it’s wrong to complain about something just because it’s what you wanted. I do not particularly enjoy the physical state of pregnancy, but I’m very happy to *be* pregnant and excited to meet my son. I don’t think those feelings are mutually exclusive.

    I’m under no illusions about how hard it will be for you tot start over in babyville, but selfishly know I love reading your parenting insights and, should I somehow end up with three kids, your posts will be invaluable. Sorry for making it about me, I’m kind of a dick. Also, I think people like you should have more kids because they have a better than not chance of being intelligent and great and making the world a better place. Assholes have a lot of kids, we need to balance the scales. In summation, Congratulations! I hope this pregnancy is at least easy on you physically, and the mental part will come in time, at the very least when you’re looking into that third (and FINAL) mushy newborn face.

    February 24, 2015
  21. Ho-ly shit, Bunny! Wowsers. Feel your feels, my friend. Ain’t no point pretending it’s all grand if it isn’t. But probably at some point it will be, right? And it’s not like the kid will be here tomorrow. You’ve got time to come around to the idea… Wowsers. Do you need to go minivan shopping?

    February 24, 2015
  22. The lack of choice. The monkey wrench in the nicely coming together plans for the rest of your life. The exhaustion.

    This is not what you had planned.

    I hope to go with you to the Land of Excitement about this news. But for now, I find my feet both firmly planted next to your in the Land of Oh-my-fucking-word-what-fresh-hell-is-this?

    sending love. Abiding with you.

    (I love your babies too)

    February 25, 2015
  23. All I kept thinking was – now she get’s to use all those names she didn’t think she could use. So, that’s got to be good right? Wishing you all the best I am sure once the initial shock wears off you’ll get right back in that saddle

    February 25, 2015
  24. Andie #

    Oh, Bunny, a giant hug. You are not ungrateful and selfish. You are a trying to adapt to an unexpected situation, one which is full of emotional and physical complexities. Do NOT feel guilty about your feelings. I suspect I would feel the same.

    Lots of other comments with the good advice from your other internet friends. So another big hug from me. Thinking of you.
    xo
    A

    February 25, 2015
  25. Oh, Bunny, I wish we lived closer to each other so I could swoop in and pick you up and take you out for a large cup of tea and sympathy.

    Despite all the years of uncertainty regarding the whole ‘are we even going to have kids?’ question, my first reaction upon getting a second line was a horrible sinking feeling, one which I struggled to get beyond for many weeks. Now of course, I wouldn’t want anything different, but that doesn’t change how I felt then. I’d finally gotten used to the idea that we were going to be child-free, I’d just two months ago given up on the dream of parenthood and come to peace with it, and then….this?

    We’re all here to hold your hand as you work your way from the land of bitterness to the land of excitement. Some of us have been there before.

    February 25, 2015
  26. Wow. I respect your honesty so much. I’d be totally thrown for a loop as well. We are not using any protection and even SO in the past when I’ve had to pee on things I’ve been very uncertain of the outcome I was hoping for. Even a stupid pharmacist asked me what I wanted when I was buying an HPT last week. I just stared (and mentally slapped her).

    Anyway, enough me. More you. I’m sorry this has thrown you so much. I’m glad that you know you’ll get to happy even if you take a detour first.

    February 25, 2015
  27. Jos #

    Just here to echo what all of the ladies above said! Wow lady… what a loop this is throwing you for (understandably!). We are on the fence about TTC#3, but even so, I think I’d be shocked if it actually HAPPENED. I mean, holy shit. I hope you can wrap your head around this pregnancy and the joy in it soon, just for your own peace of mind. Hang in there, hon!

    February 25, 2015
  28. I admit the following is a lot easier to say now that my own baby-hoarding is established in earnest, but…OF COURSE you aren’t happy. Or happy yet. Or whatever. Isn’t this, in principle if not effect, the exact problem you had in the first place, pre-baby hoarding? Sure, then you wanted a baby and now you don’t, but the core is the same: you want to be able to *decide* with your brain about reproduction (when, how often, all that), not have your body do it or not according to its own mysterious ways. The thing about infertility — okay, one thing about infertility is that it is a profound loss of control about the shape of our lives, and darn if this doesn’t look just like that. I’d be shocked if you did like having control wrested from you like that.

    Even if I do secretly fantasize about being surprise by a third, so that I don’t have to take any kind of responsibility for the decision. But that’s grass is always greener lesbo talk.

    Xo

    February 25, 2015
  29. Cheese and rice. Are you kidding me.

    I swear it was giving away all my baby stuff and buying small sized jeans that did me in. Law knows I tried every other kind of voodoo to make it happen. Medical, prayer, sacrifice, crystals, acupuncture, freaking royal jelly. Donor eggs.

    I think it was the long hard conversation I had with myself explaining why I would only be happy with 2, not 3. Once I was on board. Bam.

    Enough about me. I was hoping to try to show some understanding.

    Holy shit Bunny. Congratulations!

    You’re an excellent momma. A massive heart. If anyone can do this, you can. Doesn’t meant it isn’t scary as shit but man. You can do this.

    Really? Are you sure?

    Much love from outside Chicago.

    Let me know how I can help you. Take me IRL. πŸ™‚ I’m too hard to find around these parts anymore.

    xoxoxo

    February 26, 2015
  30. Oh my gosh! Congratulations! Understand the scariness of an unexpected change to your plans. I was just getting comfortable with the idea of when we started our surrogacy journey…

    March 1, 2015
  31. bunny, I am so sorry you are feeling overwhelmed, (Three Are Many.) even though like you, I am sure that this will turn out to be a wonderful thing in the end, and you won’t be able to imagine life any other way. I wish I lived close so I could be of help. I could hover! I love hovering.

    Hope you are feeling okay, my dear. Complain, won’t you? I recommend it.

    March 11, 2015
  32. Andie #

    Hi Bunny, just thinking of you and sending you a big hug. Australia is big. We have lots of hugs here.

    March 16, 2015
  33. Misfit #

    I will give you a choice of birch or walnut. Stupid Ohio farness. Shit. Yeah. Shit.

    March 22, 2015

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