I should have kept the crib
I have to be honest about my reaction. I know it might seem inappropriate in a place that is, even if rather faintly now, associated with infertility. Believe me, it feels utterly bizarre to go from devastated at the sight of a negative pregnancy test to devastated at the sight of a positive one. I think of my Internet Friends who haven’t got the families they hoped for and I hate the thought of being an ungrateful, selfish asshole in the eyes of people I care about.
But…not as much as I hate the thought of pretending to feel other than what I actually feel.
I am not happy. I was done. I was DONE. I know it might not seem like that much time has passed since I was on the fence about this. But once I got off the fence, a vision of what my life was going to be like developed rapidly, and it got stronger every day.
A sweet little family of four.
Getting some momentum back at work, feeling okay about my career instead of feeling foggy and lifeless.
Giving my old, tired carcass a break.
A summer of cocktails and working in the garden.
Things getting easier. Not harder.
Easier, not harder.
When I think about feeling shitty for the next year, about resetting the someday there will not be toddlers clock, about how much I am struggling with keeping my temper and being compassionate and not HURTING my children, and the sheer number of diapers in my future…I feel despair. I’m sorry, but that’s the label for this chest-constricting, black doom flavored feeling. Today I spent a good part of the day staring at the wall, unable to interact with my sweet, beautiful children because I was awash with despair.
And I feel incredibly stupid. I accidentally got pregnant. A mere three months after I GAVE EVERYTHING BABY-RELATED AWAY.
And of course, I’m well aware that a pregnancy test does not a live baby make, and how great will I feel about voicing these feelings if I miscarry? Super great.
And I’m telling myself how lucky I am–we can afford another child, we have the space and the resources…
Mr. Bunny seems to have already gotten to the Land of Excitement, leaving me all alone in the Land of Bitterness.
Because I love babies, and because I love my babies, I have faith that I will come to see this as the most wonderful thing.
But I am Not. There. Yet.