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I don’t want to arouse the attention of a universe that is clearly malevolent, so let’s just say It’s POSSIBLE we moved Bunlet to a new room. It’s POSSIBLE that both babies immediately went back to falling asleep (or at least being quiet enough that we can pretend) at 7, waking up at 7. It’s POSSIBLE that I also don’t have to deal with a rabidly escalating screaming match every morning over the position of the door to the bathroom we share. (Bunlet would get up and open it wide, causing Bun Bun to scream TOO BRIGHT and get up to close it causing Bunlet to scream TOO DARK…repeat…add pushing and wailing…add screaming mother.)

While I do feel like I have my fucking life back, I am slightly disappointed that POSSIBLY solving this problem has not made me feel suddenly happy, or at peace with the prospect of having another child, or even able to be a cheerful, interactive mother again. Alas. I saw my old therapist yesterday, and was saddened by the fact that she did not wave a magic wand over me and take all the sadness away. No. She thinks I need to WORK. On shit like finding compassion for myself so I can forgive myself for getting knocked up. FUUUUUUCK. I am so TIRED, you know?

 

12 Comments Post a comment
  1. The whole {{{virtual hugs!!!}}} thing makes me cringe, but if we lived close to each other, I’d insist we meet up for an actual hug and a coffee or something so I could commiserate with all the reasons it sucks to find yourself an accidental super baby hoarder when you thought you were done, and also reiterate to you the reasons it’s still pretty cool that you’re procreating for a third time. It will get better, probably slooooowly, but it will. In the meantime, congratulations on getting the current babies back into a routine, that’s no small thing!

    April 8, 2015
  2. So the positive is sleep is better. I’m bad at looking at the positive a lot of the time. I’m going to guess that maybe if Bunlet grows through this stage they will happily share again. Then looking further down the road you can get a set of bunk beds and have all three in 1 room. Nevermind, that introduces an entirely new subset problems.

    Thinking of you and wish I could help more. Not much else I can convey with words besides seconding yours…. FUUUCCCKK is right!

    April 8, 2015
  3. I still feel kind of stupid for getting knocked up, which is in no way a commentary on your scintillating intelligence, but…. less dumb than while I was pregnant and miserable. For what it’s worth. Though right now baby cakes is having an inconsolable rage, which I could do without. But hey! Your kiddos are sleeping/driving you less nuts! (POSSIBLY.) Applause!

    April 8, 2015
  4. Many hugs.
    Yeah, tired. I thought this would get better after the first year. Clearly I am mistaken. Still glad to hear that there is more sleep and less crying.

    April 9, 2015
  5. Jos #

    This…makes me want to split up my children. But I want my guest room. Ugh. Or a bigger house?

    Definitely have compassion for yourself – uber important. No going back now, so I hope you can forgive yourself for being a horny lady (YAHOO!) and embrace that niggle of excitement about this new life you’ve created. 🙂

    April 9, 2015
  6. Misfit #

    I will only say that it’s possible that said possible arrangements might be enough to get you over the hump to reclaim said guest room. For when I move in and want to sleep, because my kids keep me up. 🙂

    I recall that there was this magical time in that early holy-hell-of-chaos parenting that you booked a room for Mr. Bun (and I love that our Mr’s are both Buns!). Is there any emotional leverage there to get a weekend at a hotel to just not do. You know. Not do anything. My god pregnancy makes you tired. Just that sweet 24 hours of nothingness might be a little to tip you into slightly optimistic land.

    Sleep and all kinds of great thoughts on finding the tinker and tune that works.

    April 10, 2015
  7. SRB #

    You know they woke up because you wrote this post, right? In fact, that is what made MJB wake up FIVE TIMES the other night. The very date you posted this. Coincidence or conspiracy?

    If there is one thing I have learned about parenting so far, it is that the one thing you really didn’t want to have to do is usually the thing that works. Ugh. WHY???????

    I hate that she didn’t have a magic wand for you, but I love that you went to see her. That’s a big deal right there. I wish you didn’t have to WORK…Alas. Being hit in the face with the curveball life threw at you might need some stitches. But at least you’ll have a cool scar???

    April 10, 2015
  8. Glad that the sleep has returned, you definitely need it. I love SRB’s comment above. So true. Be kind and gentle to yourself and all of that as well.

    April 11, 2015
  9. I’m really so very glad that there appears to be a solution to the chaos in the Bun Bunnery. I’ll hold my breath for now, given malevolent universe, but I’ll also reserve some hope that this has made this particularly irritating problem go away.

    I like to think of savasana, the typical final pose in a yoga practice, which is described by some teachers as “the hardest” pose. What struck me when my teacher talked to us about it was the emphasis on the fact that it is an ‘undoing’ as opposed to a ‘doing’ posture. I’ve probably told you this a hundred times already, so my apologies for being old and tedious, but I think of your work in therapy as more of an undoing than a doing. You already have all the strategies. I worry that anything is adding to your burden. Sometimes therapy needs to be a refuge that allows the process of undoing to take place. Please don’t muscle through this, but instead, just show up for yourself whenever and wherever you can.
    sending love, dear woman.

    April 12, 2015
  10. Very excited about the *possibility* that sleep is better in your house. And sorry that *I* don’t have a magic wand to wave aware the sadness. I only wish to remind you that aside from the implications for the rest of your life and that of your family, having another baby has some very real implications for YOUR body RIGHT NOW. Pregnancy is tough, not only physically but emotionally. And I doubt that any emotion is more complicated than the simultaneous fear of successfully having and potentially losing a baby. I hope that this part will subside as you get further along.

    Sending an extra helping of compassion to hold you over until you find a steady local supply.

    April 12, 2015
  11. Andie #

    Just sending lots of hugs. I’m thinking of you. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You are a good person and oh so strong. Bunny, there is just so much more I could say, but truly, I think you are an incredible person and you will find a way through this. I am glad that separating the Buns has improved the home front.

    Best for wishes for tomorrow and I look forward to the next photo of your toes. 🙂

    April 13, 2015
  12. You’d hardly dare breathe much less congratulate. Let’s whistle.

    Sorry about having More Work to do. That has got to be the last fecking thing you want to do. Why is More Work always the solution? So tiring.

    April 14, 2015

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