The BEST garden app
I am not an app person–my phone is often forgotten at home and every time I touch it I get the “you must enter your passcode because it has been a really long time since you turned me on” message. But I have an idea for an app that I think would totally sell. It’s a gardening app. No, it doesn’t tell you when to plant or remind you to thin your lettuce.*
First, if you are at a nursery just to buy a couple of things and you find yourself buying lots and lots of beautiful perennials, the app will tell you by how many hours the time required to plant them all exceeds the number of hours you have left in your LIFE. It will also tell you the physical condition that planting even a few of them will leave you in. Then it will issue a recommendation. For example, if you tell it that you’re pregnant and have about two hours a week in which to plant things, the app will recommend that you buy one very small plant. If you heed it, instead of being crippled and near death with exhaustion, you will feel sprightly and enjoy your one plant very much. It will also remind you that all perennials are eaten by deer and then mysteriously never come back. Much like annuals.
The app will also send you texts to tell you that your strawberries are being eaten by slugs right now and that there’s nothing you can do.
It will remind you that the ridiculously sickly watermelons you’ve been nurturing forever (they’re called moon and stars!) and hoping will somehow magically thrive despite being basically dead are being eaten by slugs right now. Or maybe it’s beetles.
When it notices you admiring the healthy little cucumber vines, it will text you to let you know they are going to get white flies soon.
After a long day of working outside, it will let you know that your garden looks like shit, and ask you why you wear yourself out with this pointless and depressing hobby. You will try to tell it that it’s because Nature and Dirt and Where Food Comes From it will point out that your notion of where food comes from is a ridiculous fantasy and that if you really want to be part of the solution, you should get a CSA or at least eat in season because what were you doing eating CORN in JUNE?
SO. I’m thinking kickstarter so I can hire some programmers. You in?
(Actually, I’m enjoying the garden…but it is a valuable lesson in humility and futility.)
*Still haven’t thinned my lettuce, because the way to thin it is to eat it, and I actually can’t eat all that much lettuce, you know? I even tried making a soup with lettuce in it. It was very bitter, because, you know, it was made of lettuce.