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If we’d only used a condom, there wouldn’t be a 9-foot-deep hole in my front yard.

The causality might not be immediately apparent. Allow me to elaborate.

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You can imagine the joy my children experienced at having a power shovel in their own front yard!

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And we spent quite a while this morning staring into the hole and talking about its impressive depth.

I wrote a while back about Operation Get Rid of All the Crap. To eventually accommodate Bunter, we need to open up another room on the second floor. We decided to move the room where adults watch TV (the children call it The Forbidden Room, which sounds pretty great coming from the mouth of a 2.75 year old) to the basement. Our basement is not finished, but the main storage room isn’t totally depressing (painted brick walls, painted concrete floor, only a few pipes here and there). It was a big operation, though. First I had to move all the shit out of that room (simultaneously sorting and reorganizing it) and get Mr. Bunny to confront the portions of it belonging to him, and get him to agree to move things like SOFAS and CHAIRS down multiple flights of stairs (or allow me to hire undergrads). And seize the opportunity to go through the entire house and collect all the useless rubbish and add it to the heap. Anyway, I did it a little bit at a time and before long had a giant pile Things to be Disposed of in the middle of that basement room.

And then the basement flooded.

This happens once every four years or so during really heavy rain, and while it SUCKS, after the first flood we learned to store everything off the floor. Except not when we are using the floor as a staging area during Operation Get Rid of All the Crap.

The good part was that the stuff was stuff we wanted to get rid of, so we didn’t lose anything we cared about. And it gave my spouse the necessary kick in the pants to confront his part of the crap (like the boxes of books he promised to donate to the library TWO YEARS AGO). The downside was that some of the crap will end up in the landfill rather than donated, and the whole process was much grosser than it would have been otherwise.

And it meant that if we wanted to have human space down there, we needed to not have floods. Who wants to watch Last Tango in Halifax (so charming!) on a sofa covered with MOLD while dirty water laps at her ankles?

So we talked to the people who do work on our house. The water comes up from the drains when the city system gets overwhelmed.

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One of the places from which water comes gushing up. I don’t insist on a pristine laundry room, but this is…unacceptably disgusting.

They brought in some guys who used a big snake (the plumbing kind, not a python) and a camera (how cool!) to try to figure out where the problem was. The basement conveniently flooded AGAIN the day before, just so they’d get a good sense of the problem. FUCK OFF, RAIN. My sad watermelon plants need SUN.

Anyway, it wasn’t long before they reported that the problem was somewhere in the middle of our yard, so they’d need to dig a hole to figure it out. When I got home from work I was Quite Shocked at the size of it. Best case scenario (a phrase THEY use an awful lot…), when I get home they will have located and solved the problem. More likely…well…I don’t really want to think about it, because it involves a giant sewage-filled sinkhole with my house floating on top.

SO. Practice safe sex, all you opposite-sex-partnered fertile whores.

7 Comments Post a comment
  1. This is the sort of thing they should show in high school sex ed. courses.

    (Amusingly, when we bought our house, my mother-in-law was anxious to know if there were any danger of it flooding, given that Durham is built around a river. I’ll admit, I laughed in her face and said that if the river has risen far enough to flood our house, all of England is under water.)

    June 19, 2015
  2. Usually when I associate condoms and holes I….ahm nevermind. Sorry about the flooding. I know it is happening to large parts of the country (my brother lost a car this past week due to street water completely submerging it!!) but really I think we need to work out a deal whereby you send us some of that excess. We need it!

    It is cool to look into that hole, though. Look at the different soil layers!

    I hope it means the end of the slimy basement files.

    June 19, 2015
  3. I second Sara’s motion to show these pictures in sex ed classes!
    This is such an ORDEAL, Bunny! I sure hope the best case scenario is what transpired.
    I delighted in imagining the Buns captivated by the big ass hole in their front yard, and discussing the depths of it with you.

    June 20, 2015
  4. Steph #

    I’m going to just argue the other side of the coin here….if you HAD practiced safe sex than you wouldn’t have had the opportunity to throw so much crap away nor would you be on the path to a dry basement. Then there is that whole “new baby” joy that will come out of it too 😉

    Cheers to diggers, dumpsters, and newborn diapers!

    June 21, 2015
  5. I don’t know how well that motto will sell with the teenage crowd but it is indeed an impressive hole in the ground!

    June 21, 2015
  6. SRB #

    Well fuck a duck. That is positively no good. What did they end up finding???

    June 22, 2015
  7. twangy #

    Ah! I thought you were building some sort of fancy basement extension to accommodate the new bunny. No, I didn’t really think it through. Hope that this is the solution to the awful flooding thing. Basements are as fascinating to me as secret passages. You can’t have them here, you see. Too wet. And thar be Vikings down thar, see? Really, this is why we don’t have an underground rail system.

    Well! That’s enough blathering for now. Be well over there, all.

    June 25, 2015

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