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The storm before the calm

Last night my asshole spouse, and each of my asshole children in turn, including the one who hasn’t even been born yet, woke me up. In their defense, the children are sick, and the fetus is a fetus–I’m sure if it could turn over without waking me, it would. I can’t think of any possible excuse for my spouse, long may he rot in hell.

I have been in the WORST mood for the past couple of weeks. I am not sleeping well and am uncomfortable all the time, so there are obvious causes. But there are also the less obvious ones.

Having had a great many children, I now recognize what appears to be my pattern. At 8 months pregnant, I am fine. At 8.25 months pregnant, I become convinced I will be raising my baby alone, and this anxiety manifests itself as hatred towards my spouse, and extremely unsympathetic and impatient parenting. Then, I mellow out. This is the storm before the calm

…before the STORM.

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Today I shared with Mr. Bunny that I feel unappreciated and alone. Part of this stems from the fact that with many children, he just doesn’t have the time to take care of me, plus the novelty of a pregnant wife has most definitely worn off.

But I also think he’s focused on how hard his life is, and how much his world is about to change. And while I acknowledged his world IS about to change radically, he will have brief moments of respite once he goes back to work, and I will not particularly. And my world involves having my abdomen slit open AGAIN, and becoming a milk bag, and feeling brain dead for MONTHS. And what’s more, this little journey we’re on “together” affects me right now, every moment of every day (except when I am blissfully unconscious), not just when I suddenly think, oh jeepers, we’re havin’ a baby! And the majority of those daily effects are negative, like having to plan so that all of my projects can continue without me / with a severely cognitively diminished me, for months and months, and having to do this while unable to sit in a chair because my back hurts too much, and having to spend an hour every damn week on a pointless OB appointment and having endless heartburn etc. whine etc. complain.

In other words, my situation is HARDER than his in some measurable ways. And that these feelings make me extra likely to resent him for every little thing.

Sadly, dumping all this on him didn’t actually change my feelings. He acknowledged that I had a solid case, and was kind, and told me how much he values the miracle of life I’m performing and shit, but it did not make me feel better. I guess part two of this conversation is for me to more fully emphasize: And that’s why you need to comb our child’s hair in the morning and tie it out of her face so that she doesn’t look like a neglect case / not leave your shoes in the middle of the floor / pick up all the god DAMNED CRAP you allow to pile up every damn DAY.

 


 

When I’m not screaming irrationally, I am quilting. Bunter is getting a diagonal quilt, to go with Bun Bun’s vertical and Bunlet’s horizontal quilt.

 

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14 Comments Post a comment
  1. Last night, I stomped upstairs and told my spouse that after fourteen (FOURTEEN!) straight hours of taking care of the children ALL BY MY DAMN SELF I was pretty pissed at having to do the fucking dishes at 10 PM. He was not entirely sympathetic. I feel you, is what I’m saying.

    September 25, 2015
  2. And that, in a nutshell, is why the phrase “we’re pregnant!” makes me want to punch people in the mouth.

    September 25, 2015
  3. I love the quilt!

    I totally understand your feelings toward your husband. I have never been pregnant while also parenting toddlers, but having been both (a) pregnant, and (b) a parent to two toddlers, I can imagine it’s pretty damn hard.

    September 25, 2015
  4. At least the end is in sight — at least, of the current status quo. After that, it’ll still be mostly you, but at least it’ll be different, and hopefully AFTER his life has changed immeasurably, your asshole husband will adapt and adjust. 🙂

    September 26, 2015
  5. You poor love, that makes total sense, but it’ll be okay. You’re very resourceful and smart, you’ll find a way. I am confident. Also: BABY! Those are very sweet.

    Your quilts are beautiful.

    September 26, 2015
  6. Oh, sounds like you need a night in the hotel, away from the spouse and babies before Bunlet arrives. (btw, I’m honoured that your OB’s scheduling team decided you would have Bunlet on my half birthday. That’s really incredibly sweet).
    Beautiful quilt. How the fuck you have time to sew right now, I cannot quite understand. But those quilts are magnificent. All three of them, Like your children.
    I hope the calm after and before the storm has already arrived. You need a moment of peace before the uterus is open and Bunlet requires care that doesn’t automatically happen within your body.
    My dear, dear friend. You are in my thoughts. I am sending you love.

    September 27, 2015
    • And by Bunlet, I mean Bunter. OF COURSE!
      Great Jehosaphat! I was up at 2am last night thinking about how I made this terrible mistake on my comment on your blog and you would NEVER talk to me EVER again because I’m an idiot, I lack attention to detail, and I am scaring a very pregnant woman into delivering her already born 3-year-old son.
      My apologies.

      September 29, 2015
  7. You are soooo close. I’m pretty sure that is a reality that you are aware of – and with justly mixed feelings. But to *me*, it is crazy exciting! I’m sorry those buttheads are making sleep even more difficult for you these days (gotta love the neverending preschool germ syndrome). And you are not wrong about the gender inequity of this whole setup. Indeed, ALL gender inequity stems from this setup.

    Those quilts really are lovely and you are a rockstar for making them on top of everything else you got going on.

    September 27, 2015
  8. Nicky #

    I’m with Augusta. Hotel stay sounds in order, and your quilting is amazing! Hang in there, I hope your calm comes soon.

    September 27, 2015
  9. Beautiful quilt. Hang in there. May the calm start, grab hold, and last.

    (Yeah, I know. Pretty unlikely.)

    September 28, 2015
  10. Steph #

    Hi there. I know this part sucks. I’m sorry. Being close to two years out from your very spot gives me the authority and the presence of mind to share with you that it does in fact get manageable. Until then, antacids my friend.

    Bunter’s quilt is beautiful!

    September 28, 2015
  11. Andie #

    Lovely quilt for Bunter.

    I will just go with what Twangy said. And offer a hug.

    September 28, 2015
  12. Hotel stay for sure. And mucho quilt admiration. And husband rage on your behalf. It’s all too much.

    October 1, 2015
  13. SRB #

    JEBUS H…I have kept this open in my browser for a truly embarrassing amount of time. So stuck on sending you Mind Bullets and not Real Actual Thoughts and Love and Shit. Fuck, dude. I’m sorry.

    In some respects, it is important that you can see a pattern. Which is also crappy because I know the thing that is coming soon is FUCKING DEPRESSED, but this is also a good thing because you can see it coming? And even though cognitively, we KNOW that the difficulty ahead is not nearly as difficult as we imagine it to be, this does nothing to ease the twisting of the insides.

    I just really GET spouse-related resentment, is what I am saying. I also enjoy pouring it into fibre crafts, though you are truly enviable with all your SKILLZ.

    October 14, 2015

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