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Movie sex vs. real sex

Herero sex, movies: After two minutes of foreplay, male penetrates female. Both achieve orgasm simultaneously within a few minutes, all that’s required is some thrusting from the male. The encounter often takes place somewhere that’s very uncomfortable for the female (floor, desk, wall).

Hetero sex, my life: Confront the fact that I haven’t had sex with my spouse for…at least seven months. Consider logistical challenges of doing anything about that. I require time in order to transition from mother of three to sex object, and interruptions in the form of crying children are going to make it impossible for me to enjoy the experience. Consider plan that involves getting up in the middle of the night and having sex after feeding infant. Reject this plan. Consider waiting several months until baby is going to sleep at a reliable time. Reject this plan. Book hotel room and leave infant with nanny while toddlers are napping. Check into hotel feeling like everyone who sees you knows that you are there for the purpose of having sex. Resist the urge to tell everyone that it’s not trashy because you’re just the married parents of a baby. Go to hotel room feeling extremely awkward and dubious about the prospect of having a good time. Instruct spouse to remove socks, hop in shower to attempt to transform into Sex Person. Wash infant saliva off nipples. Avoid sight of  baggy, lumpy self in mirrors which seem to be everywhere. Commence Sexual Interaction. Think this isn’t so awful. Struggle mightily to achieve orgasm. Spend some minutes thinking I will never have an orgasm if you don’t touch my breasts. Place spouse’s hand on breast. Achieve orgasm, much to my surprise. Continue Sexual Interaction until spouse has also achieved orgasm. Grit teeth and cuddle with spouse because post-coital cuddling is correlated with higher relationship satisfaction. Leap from bed before lactating all over the place.

I mean, I get that depicting this in a movie would not do anyone any good. And I get that my life is on the atypical end of the continuum right now. It’s just a pretty ridiculous contrast.




14 Comments Post a comment
  1. Your commitment, despite SUCH ROADBLOCKS, to keeping your marriage (happy) is awe-inspiring (says the woman who preferred leaving her husband instead of having sex with him).
    Thank you for this Sunday morning laugh.

    January 17, 2016
  2. See, this new-ish mom thinks that having at least the outline of more realistic sex would help me feel less weird. Thanks bunny.

    January 17, 2016
  3. Hah! The differences between the two is something we also comment on sometimes. Even before we had a kid.

    January 17, 2016
  4. RESPECT. I’m sitting here gobsmacked that every time I think I couldn’t possibly believe you to be MORE awesome, there you go and prove that you are even MORE awesome. This is so important to share and to read. It’s a struggle for me right now for obvious reasons, but once again, you are my guiding light.

    January 18, 2016
  5. Good for you for getting some quality action!

    I was back in the saddle very quickly after kid No 1 (sadly, the period was back, too, after only a couple of months post delivery). However, after the other two kids there was so much carnage and associated dysfunction due to healing and breastfeeding that there was no way I sex was happening at 2-3 months postpartum. DH was very understanding, which I really really appreciated.

    January 18, 2016
  6. I’ve had to stop having sex with my husband to breastfeed my daughter back to sleep. Definitely not in the movies.

    January 18, 2016
  7. Ho. Lee. Shit, bro…I love you.

    January 19, 2016
  8. At least tell me that there was music.

    Ha! The stupidest thing about movie sex (well, mainstream movie sex as opposed to “specialized” movie sex) is that I’m pretty sure that it’s mostly aimed at women. Perhaps the inaccuracy is yet another reflection of the need for more female writers.

    It makes a lot of sense to me that our drive to procreate is reduced when we are taking care of babies. This is an intelligent system that, at least in theory, should keep us from having too many babies too close together. But it really needs some updating. Time to program in the tubal ligation (iud, vasectomy, etc.) override!

    January 19, 2016
  9. At least after the second baby I was expecting granulation so I knew to ask for the in-patient surgery at a post-baby check-up (the doctor was surprised when I asked her to check, but said by golly, I was right). But owie ow ow ow. So much being unable to perform without enormous amounts of pain after my first was born and wondering what was wrong with me.

    January 20, 2016
  10. Steph #

    Sex…what is sex? I don’t even know what that means anymore 😉 But I do admire you for calculating the happiness of your marriage into your life plans and making it work. Way easier said than done….and hey, getting some isn’t so bad either right?!

    January 20, 2016
  11. Jos #

    This post was all sorts of awesome ❤

    January 21, 2016
  12. SRB #

    What is “sex”? I don’t know this word.

    (Also, hi! Still reading, still here-ish. Hiiiii!)

    January 25, 2016
  13. Haaaaaaaaah. Sex? What’s that? No, really, I don’t even remember. Plus I’m still gun shy from Accidental Child Three despite the spouse’s little trip to the vet. (Not literally the vet.) You are a stronger woman in that department than I am. I have a 13 month old and the shop has been CLOSED this whole time. (I offered a few weeks ago but the spouse honest to goodness had a headache.). And now I have FUCKING MASTITIS again and…. No. After Sweetpea is WEANED.

    January 28, 2016

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