Movie sex vs. real sex
Herero sex, movies: After two minutes of foreplay, male penetrates female. Both achieve orgasm simultaneously within a few minutes, all that’s required is some thrusting from the male. The encounter often takes place somewhere that’s very uncomfortable for the female (floor, desk, wall).
Hetero sex, my life: Confront the fact that I haven’t had sex with my spouse for…at least seven months. Consider logistical challenges of doing anything about that. I require time in order to transition from mother of three to sex object, and interruptions in the form of crying children are going to make it impossible for me to enjoy the experience. Consider plan that involves getting up in the middle of the night and having sex after feeding infant. Reject this plan. Consider waiting several months until baby is going to sleep at a reliable time. Reject this plan. Book hotel room and leave infant with nanny while toddlers are napping. Check into hotel feeling like everyone who sees you knows that you are there for the purpose of having sex. Resist the urge to tell everyone that it’s not trashy because you’re just the married parents of a baby. Go to hotel room feeling extremely awkward and dubious about the prospect of having a good time. Instruct spouse to remove socks, hop in shower to attempt to transform into Sex Person. Wash infant saliva off nipples. Avoid sight of baggy, lumpy self in mirrors which seem to be everywhere. Commence Sexual Interaction. Think this isn’t so awful. Struggle mightily to achieve orgasm. Spend some minutes thinking I will never have an orgasm if you don’t touch my breasts. Place spouse’s hand on breast. Achieve orgasm, much to my surprise. Continue Sexual Interaction until spouse has also achieved orgasm. Grit teeth and cuddle with spouse because post-coital cuddling is correlated with higher relationship satisfaction. Leap from bed before lactating all over the place.
I mean, I get that depicting this in a movie would not do anyone any good. And I get that my life is on the atypical end of the continuum right now. It’s just a pretty ridiculous contrast.