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Certified Humane Mamas: An address to the American Council of Infants

It’s an honor to speak to the American Council of Infants. No other forum provides a better chance to discuss topics that matter to babies. *Happy cooing*

Today’s address is directed at those of you who are breastfed. You formula-fed babies probably have IQs so low that you won’t understand me anyway.*


American babies are increasingly concerned about where their food comes from. I know many babies who will only nurse from an organic mama because of concerns about the pesticides used on crops that non-organic mamas consume. Babies are also concerned about how using these pesticides (and chemical fertilizers) is impacting our our soil and our ecosystem. *Loud wailing*

While not all babies have access to an organic mama, and the cost of an organic mama can be prohibitive, I do urge you to nurse from an organic mama whenever possible. *Gurgles of contentment.*

In fact, I’m actually here to say: An organic mama is not enough. I want to talk to you about Certified Humane mamas.

Like an organic mama, a Certified Humane (CH) mama’s care has to meet strict standards. For example, both organic and CH mamas have access to fresh air and exercise, food grown without pesticides, and are not treated with antibiotics. Even when they get mastitis.

However, a CH mama’s care must also meet requirements for kindness and responsible care. In general, CH animals must be permitted to “do what comes naturally”. What comes naturally to my CH mama is going into the basement and watching Netflix while drinking cocktails. I allow her to do this after I’m in bed every day. This isn’t the most efficient use of my mama, so why do I do it? Well, for two reasons. First, milk from CH mamas simply tastes better. I believe that in time we’ll be able to show that it’s more nutritious, though there’s no evidence  at this time. Second, mamas may just be animals, but I believe they should be treated with compassion. While it might serve me better to keep her up all night so she can cuddle me, or insist that she nurse me all day every day, or keep her in a crate so that I can always find her, these practices stress mamas. Stressed mamas get sick more often and may end up producing less milk. *Angry fussing*

Again, I know a CH mama is not possible for all babies. But I believe that making babies aware of CH handling for mamas can help change the way mamas are treated. In the end, CH treatment is better not just for mamas, but also for babies. *Fat hands clap together*


*I fucking hate that breastmilk raises IQs! claim, so this is 100% satirical. In case you’re not familiar with my sense of humor and think I would actually give someone shit for formula feeding. Which I myself did.

9 Comments Post a comment
  1. Ha! I’ll take a lecture from Bunter any day. And she’s so right about the cocktails and the netflix.

    June 16, 2016
  2. Kay #

    F*ckin’ A this is awesome. My daughter will be 14 in two months and I still find myself wincing and getting defensive about the breastfeeding/formula feeding yawnversations…because although I nursed her until she was almost 2, she also was formula fed in her first year. I guess I’ll always be marked as an inferior mommy. Oh, and I also had a c-section so there’s that too.
    Anon in Massachusetts.

    June 16, 2016
  3. Dear Bunter,
    We contend that Certified Humane Mamas remain inferior to the Attachment Mama variety. The latter is more fully subscribed to the maternal guilt complex, which lends the milk a piquant flavor. In addition, Attachment Mamas are far more likely to give babies what they want, when they want it, such as unlimited 3 AM access to boob. While we applaud your efforts to improve the lot of mothers, surely you can see that in your desire to act ethically, you are directly harming the cheek chub of babies everywhere.

    (And I’m sure Bunny knows I’m totally joking- my kids all got night weaned and sleep trained so I could go drink cocktails and watch Netflix, too.)

    June 16, 2016
    • Snort. There’s nothing like the flavor of sleep deprivation.

      June 16, 2016
  4. Ana #

    aaaah. cocktails & neftlix in the basement is my natural state of being as well.

    June 16, 2016
  5. Due to an unwelcome level of busyness, I can’t research this further right now but I hope that you and the Council came up with some good plans to certify lots of mamas. It’s good practice all around!

    June 17, 2016
  6. Bunter, no, no, you are making a terrible, terrible mistake. You’re spoiling your mama, can’t you see! This could lead to a terrible backlash in your teen years, ruining your chances of climbing out the window at night, choosing not to go to maths class, other curtailments of your freedom. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, but this happens all the time. You need to get fussing, especially from 8 to 10pm, and get your mama and dada out of that basement. No more Netflix! No more cocktails! They are the stuff of the devil!

    June 18, 2016
  7. Bunter, you are such a kind, socially responsible little being. I welcome your plea for CH mamas everywhere. I’m also glad you don’t keep your mama in a pen or crate, because I know for a fact that she would be terribly unhappy. What magnanimity to let her have cocktails and netflix. Your approach to eating and food systems is truly progressive and laudatory. Thank you.

    June 21, 2016

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