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Forty-one year old toes

Yeah…what to do with my squash does seem like a small problem now.

So what have I been up to? Well, at first it was just the usual the semester has started and the little bits of time I have for myself are gone. And it was worse than usual, because turns out that having a full time job and three kids is not the same as having a full time job and two kids, however easy the job and all the kids may be.

My baby turned one year old. See how little anyone cares about you, third child? No fanfare, no pausing to reflect, no lengthy observations about the joys and challenges of parenting… (But still cake, and it was really good, and she ate the fuck out of it.)

Halloween happened, with fabulous costumes. Bun Bun wanted to be a white wolf, and her wolf head came out pretty awesome if I do say it myself. Bunter was the softest, sweetest strawberry on earth for the brief time she wore her costume. Bunlet helpfully just wanted to wear his costume from last year and be a “worker”. Seize the means of production while you’re at it, little one.

And then around 26% of my fellow country people* did something that I still struggle to understand. And I had to take on another full time, unpaid job, giving a shit and trying to make things better.

Here’s a telling figure, since you know how I love data…

Screen Shot 2017-04-19 at 2.25.41 PM.png

It’s exhausting, the feeling small and the feeling futile and the feeling powerless, and the knowing that those feelings sap the will to TRY, and that you have to try anyway. I have tried in ways that range from marching on our nation’s capital to picking up trash on my walk to work.

At some point I realized that going from zero (maybe even negative 10?) in the political activism/ civic engagement department to…well, not 60 or anything, maybe 35? is hugely transformative. And that like other large personal transformations, such as becoming a parent, it’s going to be very slow and there will be guilt and despair. But maybe some happy moments.

I have been pushing myself very hard this year, doing things that really scare me. A lot more travel, a lot more leaving my house, a lot more talking to people. 2017 has been a year of adventure and personal growth and shit. It turned my toes purple.


*I keep reading statistics like “53% of white women voted for Trump”. No. Such conversations must start with the reality that only half of us (well, 55%) fucking voted at all. So that’s appalling, but the silver lining is that it reduces the proportion of the people who are unfathomably different from me to something I can wrap my head around, approximately 26%. And by the way, if you’re one of those people, I believe you had a good reason for doing that, because I believe in empathy. So I just ask that you exercise your empathetic capacity and believe that I have good reasons for being upset.

13 Comments Post a comment
  1. I am in envy of your sunshine and your purple. We have had a bit of sunshine here lately, but nothing that could even remotely tempt me to are my legs.

    [In case you missed/miss the final post, I’ve finally left LJ. I’m now at

    April 19, 2017
  2. Jos #

    I feel you so hard on this. It has been shocking to me to live in a PT (post-T) world and realize how many people were so horridly unhappy and desperate that they’d actually vote for such an ignorant narcissistic yada yada yada person. It’s sometimes overwhelming to try to get more involved in the state of our world, but so, so rewarding as well. So nice to hear from you!

    April 20, 2017
  3. Happy Birthday to you and Bun Bun (I’d eat the fuck out of that cake too!). I hear you about this all being exhausting. My activism has also increased like crazy in recent times but I’m finding it sooooo hard to know where to place my (so-very-limited) energy. There are SO MANY ISSUES that I care about. It is wonderfully soothing to know that you are over in your corner of the world helping out.

    April 20, 2017
  4. So nice to see a post from you! I share your feelings about the outcome of our last election and the increase in my personal political activism since.

    April 20, 2017
  5. Carryon #

    Trump. Ugh.

    April 23, 2017
  6. Happy birthday to your toes!

    I too have called my elected officials more than in my entire previous life combined. And I also have my ass kicked by being perpetually outnumbered by small people. Bug just turned eight, and he’s sometimes helpful, so I live in perpetual hope they’ll all get there some day. (Let us not speak of the babysitting situation, which hovers between disastrous and barely adequate.)

    April 25, 2017
  7. SRB #

    I regret that we were never able to physically make it (literally across the street!) to meet up with you that day, but I take great meaning from the fact that we were on the same street at all. Streets all over the world just absolutely ram-jammed with people all needing very much to be together. Something is happening, and though the daily onslaught of fuckery feels like it is something very bad, I believe it is something very good. Every tiny little bit of trying matters. It really does.

    Happy birthday, my friend. I do so love the passing of your years in toes.

    April 28, 2017
  8. I’m loving this collage, and wishing yet again we’d been able to magically move through the (amazing) crowds to find each other on March day. I identify with your guilt and despair re political activism – I need to get my mojo back in that regard, and just forgive myself a bit as well, for not being everywhere and doing everything. I miss you in this space! Need to get back to mine. And WANT that nail colour.

    May 2, 2017
  9. Good on you, bunny. Being in another country and observing the shitstorm from far off is not so bad but maddening in another way because I’d like to be able to Do Something too. I really believe all the calls are worth it.

    Happy birthday, Bunter! Your mama’s doing everything she can to make the future bright, rest assured.

    May 10, 2017
  10. Anna #

    Happy belated birthday, Bunny, and Bunter too.

    May 17, 2017

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